Stiffin Tiffin

It's been a while since I blogged so it is more than adequate that the subject matter for this post is a childish, immature humour based 8 inch edible cock and balls. This is the last day and post of 2012. Happy New Year.

Nibble, button or seam

I invented a game. It's one of my favourite games, it was created while watching the lunchtime news but essentually it can be played anywhere and it can be played on your own. The basis of the game is that when you are watching the tv and there is a lady presenter you have to call out if you think her clothing is revealing a , button, nipple or seam. Pretty simple rules and is a very easy game to play in cold weather. I made these meringnes for the ladies in work, just so i could her some of them say, 'nipple'.......i know, seriously, I'm that immature. To prove that point I was giggling as i poured the single cream over the boob.

I invented a game. It's one of my favourite games, it was created while watching the lunchtime news but essentially it can be played anywhere and it can be played on your own.

Food

I was busy trying to create my traditional, 'hell of a weener' and I just couldn't get the 3 foot long, sponge monster to turn out the way I wanted so I had to resort to thinking up some other scary halloween food.

This is what i came up with and if you're a guy there can be few scarier sights.........I named this, 'Eaten out a bloody mess'.

Mega fast, mega expensive bike

Chris Hoy is a beast. I went to the Manchester velodrome the other week and his training bike, (hence the Sugino 75') was on display. £100, 000!!!!

Fast bike

This bike is pretty famous, it was ridden by Chris Boardman, breaking various records or winning medals. It was designed by Lotus Engineering. It was ground breaking and roughly cost £15,000.
There were a few of these bikes made, this one is on display, with a portion on the track Chris beat the hour record on in The Liverpool Museum.

3 Peaks Cyclocross

The 3 Peaks Cyclocross race, even on paper seems like a daunting task. It's a slightly crazy race that requires all competitors to carry a survival bag and whistle and one that only the English could make into part of it's cycling culture. Riders become obsessed with the training for it, the technical side of bike sets up and then the actual riding, running, walking of the Yorkshire fells.
This year was the 50th year of the race and it was easily the worst weather and conditions for the last 31 years. I went along as a support rider for Yani. It's a pretty grim day for everyone, the cold winds and relentless, sometimes horizontal rain just weren't creating a fun day. The riders came off the fells and looked like soaked warriors with very few smiles. I managed to met Yani at the base of each peak, gave him a bottle and off he rode to tackle knee deep peat bogs, 50mph winds on the top of the peaks, flooded roads with slippery cattle grids and groin deep water. It's no wonder that by the time we made it back to the car he had mild hypothermia.
Yani finished in a more than adequate 227 position out of the 512 finishers, approx. 700 started.

You need to check out the history, route and the reports of the race, especially photos and video of the 2012 race.

Bikes and Boards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYbsX_KxqCM&feature=youtu.be

Airport Security Alert

So, I'm on holiday in Turkey and having a mooch around the, 'blag' shops when my girlfriend spots the ultimate holiday gift for me. After a short, obligatory haggle I became the proud owner of a Turkish sculpture.

Next day, I'm packed up and at the Airport. The procedure here was after check in you took your bags to the security x-ray machines. It was a very busy time with three flights all boarding within half an hour of each other. I load my suitcase onto the conveyor belt and as I walk through the body scanner without incident I turn to watch my bag come through the x-ray scanner and I'm suddenly aware at the increase in Turkish being spoken by the guards as a number of them gather around the x-ray monitor. The conveyor belt goes into reverse and my bag enters the machine again. As the bag re-emerges, a security guard asks if it is my bag, if I had packed it, if I knew it's contents, if I was carrying any weapons and if I could open the bag. I oblige and unzip the bag and start searching with him. I'm slightly unnerved as I notice that the queue is building behind the security zone as all the guards gather around me, chuckling and talking as I pull out the, 'suspicious' contents from my bag. They wanted to confirm that I wasn't carrying a weapon as I stood there, holding aloft 8 inches of solid stone, like a trophy of embarrassment.
My girlfriend and the guards were in fits laughing, the huge queue behind us looked less amused.

SF hills

The hills of SF are just so iconic. Images of them have been burnt into my brain since an early

age from film, photos and video. I've since been enough to go up and down many of these famous hills. Walking, driving, skating and riding, the hills are just so fun and sometimes scary.

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A photo of a photographer taking a photo of another photographer

Next to compositions involving hedges this is Sandy's favourite style of photograph; a photo of a photo being taken. As a special bonus for him this is me taking a photo of a photographer taking a photo of another photographer riding his bike. As Sandy would say, 'that photo was just askin' for it'.

Since this was taken Kyle Emery-Peck broke his ankle. Heal up soon, dude.

Seattle to San Fransico

If it wasn't for Sandy inviting me and making this trip happen I would have missed an epic experience. He was a true dude the whole way. The lol-o-meter, jigger-jabber, Hasselbad and T5 moments, breaking Taj, hilarious stories and quotes,  he helped make it all stress free fun. After riding the whole distance with Sandy you have thought we'd capture the finishline with some sort of scenic, momentous photo? It might not look like it but with this photo I think we really did capture the essence of what we did......a random guy took this photo for us with one of the disposable cameras, we're giving it major jibber-jabber and sandy has a rotten black banana cock as I'm having a fit of the lolz.

Random........part 3

Random.....part 2

Random photos from the road. Part 1

Cycle lines

This summer has been pretty wet and cloudy but I did get some funny tanlines at some points in America, I got 3 stripes on my head from the vents on my helmet and the classic cycle legs line.

This sign is phish

Sandy making like a dog and getting the wallpaper out. Scenic route but a phish sign.

Dick for sure on a Richshaw

Andy Mealor is in China, I only know this because I saw it on Faceblaster and also cause he sent me this email. Living like a king being driven around Bejing..............................

"Do you reckon anybody has ever gone round a roundabout the wrong way weaving between three lanes of oncoming traffic, mostly buses, on a rickshaw?"

"No way. Defo not, its too dangerous and the driver would have to be a psycho!"

SPACE

"AAAAHHHHHHHH, well I have done it, and he tried to make me tip him."

Adequate in Austin

Sandy Cars on fire, getting adequate on the roads of Texas. Like.

Fixed gear century (more than adequate)

Recently I've been doing some fairly big fixed rides so it's almost ironic that my last post was concerned about cycle computers because I put one on today. Just out of curiosity I wanted to know  how far I'd been riding. I set off early 'cos the weather forecast looked grim for the afternoon. I was the first person at Eureka cafe and after a cup of tea I set off towards Chester and onwards to the lanes around there which some old bike dude who rode in the Milk Race showed me a few weeks ago.
As predicted the weather closed in and in what is becoming a regular occurrence, I spent the next two hours getting soaked and covered in road debris, mainly in the form of cow shit from the lanes.
I stopped off at Eureka for another pint of tea and then rode towards home. I saw Dave Lloyd heading in the opposite direction with his head down style and as usual giving no acknowledgement and then a little later I saw Chris Boardman heading in the opposite direction, at least he gave me the cyclist nod and a smile, he was as wet as me but definitely going faster than I was.

Anyway, the scores on the doors, 101.33 miles with an average speed, a more than adequate 17.5mph.

The true Adequate Riders, Adequate Speed

I never have a computer on my bike, I have no way of knowing how far, fast, altitude, cadence and all those other details about a ride that sometimes can be nice to know and sometimes those are the details that can take all the fun out of riding. I have no intelligent device with Stravia or Garmin gps to measure and record routes.
A few years ago when I was riding alot with Gabe and my brother used to come out every so often, he was always asking about speed, mileage. I used to just laugh and say it didn't matter, none of us were left behind, we chatted and chuckled and never felt dead at the end therefore it was always an adequate amout of miles at an adequate speed. Eventually I gave into his requests for a speed and just said 17mph just seemed like an adequate cruise speed.

Somewhere on the road between Seattle to San Fransico a roadside speed monitor captured our speed and it really was the true Adequate speed.

Arcata to Gaberville

We set off from Rob's pretty late. Me and Sandy spent a bufty night in the comfy bed and woke up late. Rob got his stuff ready to pick up his goats to take them to a kids beach party. We nipped into town, had breakfast, went to Revolution Bikes and bought brake blocks and new tyres and set off at the late time of 1pm. We rode a non eventful day until we got to the Avenue of The Giants. This was a section of the ride that I had been looking forward to. I called all the Trees we saw 'sticks' that is what they are in their rawest, most natural form and these sticks are fucking huge and beautiful. They just tower over you and the lush green canopy that they create. Breathe taking, awe inspiring, humbling the adjectives are endless. The trails through the woods would be an incredible walk to take but sadly we only skirt along edges of the roadway. Flickers of masked sunshine create atmosphere, which is randomly broken up by bright, shards of light. We coasted through the quiet road, enjoying the splendour of nature. I got my first puncture but it was no hardship to have to stop and fix it in this area. Sandy and Taj both took plenty of photos as we rolled on the visual, tarmac conveyer belt. My camera had long ranout of battery life and i had no disposible camera at the time.  An excellent casual ride brought us back into the urban setting of Gaberville.

Texting, sexting, shitting

This is the ascent out of Crescent City, it wasn't anywere as near as scary as we'd been lead to believe. Sandy thought he'd send an illegal text saying he was, 'pure shitting it'. I was cruising on the other side of the carriageway and Taj2k was calmly monstering up the climb wondering what all the fuss was about.

We ain't scared of no goats